Ponderings

I absolutely love this time of year.  Warm weather, blue skies, sunshine.  There's just so much to do, and so much to see. Beauty abounds, it really does.  Don't get me wrong, there's a certain beauty to the winter, but for me, summer is where it's at. 


One of my favourite things to do in the summer is walk.  Not only is it good exercise, but it's a good time to think, and unwind.  In the past, I've needed a purpose to my walks.  I found that I would tend to give up if I didn't  have to be somewhere. 


Something's changed though.  I've started enjoying looking out at my city, and seeing all the beauty that's out there.  Even in the scruffiest of neighbourhoods, there's beauty to be found.  To that end, I started making sure that I never leave the house without my camera and video camera.  Too many times I'd see something that I'd really like and wish I had my camera.  That doesn't happen now.


At first, it was a little difficult.  I'd spend so much time "looking" for a good shot that I often missed the most interesting things.  I thought that I had to take my photos based on what I thought others would like, when all along, the only person I had to please was me. So, I started taking pictures of what interested me, and soon enough, I found that it was second nature.


These days, when I go on my camera walks, I let the camera decide where we're going. I know that sounds like a really odd thing to say, but it's pretty much what happens.  I don't plan, really, other than deciding on a direction to start out in.  I do what feels right.    That really works for me.  I take a lot of photos that look interesting to me, and people seem  to like them as well.  At first I worried that they were only humouring me, but as I get more comfortable with it, my confidence has soared.  


Today, I had some child free time, and my cameras and I went out for a walk.  And soon enough, I was in my zone, taking my photos and feeling good.  As I walked, I got an idea for a painting I wanted to do, and an idea for another project I had been planning, and I started thinking about how awesome life is.  Sure, there are troubles that come up sometimes, and it's not always easy, but it's definitely worth it to be alive, and to get out there and experience the world.  It's so easy to get trapped in a negative mindset, but I just can't do it.  There's just so much to be happy for.


I walked through a park, and was looking at this piece that had all these sayings on it, and while I was snapping off pictures I realized how happy I am that this creative side of me was unleashed.  I love creating, and the more I create, the more I want to create, and the more I feel I have to create.  Taking pictures is definitely what I feel drawn to, it's like a living, breathing being that needs to come out, or it'll eat me from the inside out.  You know, nothing dramatic, or anything.   Hehehe. 


I think that, when I grow up, I want to be a photographer.  I think I've got a pretty good eye, and, while I don't know much about the finer points of photography, I can certainly learn, can't I?  It feels right, so I'm definitely going to see what I can do to further this goal, and in the meantime, I'm going to keep snapping away.

Happy- Go- Lucky Girl

Have I ever told you how much I love the sun?  Such a bright, happy ball of warmth.  Fills me with joy, it does.  Of course, as a rule, I am an optimist, so it doesn't take much to fill me with joy.  I have my moments however, like everyone else does, but they pass.  Life is about how you look at things.  I choose to find a silver lining in any cloud, and after a lifetime of practice, I've become pretty damn good at it.


Some people follow the Law of Attraction, and things in that vein, but it's not my thing.  I don't begrudge them their beliefs, so long as they respect mine.  It's been around for a long long time, and there is something to it, but it's not the be all, end all, in my opinion.  Like attracts like, eh?  Well, you reap what you sow, that's true, but there's more to it than that.  


I  think if you want to succeed at life, you need to work for it.  It's not enough to wish, you have to put some action behind it.  Life is about the process, not the end result.  I think if you try to remain positive and do the best you can to achieve your goals, then you've lived a good life.  To me, crediting a good outcome on some "law" negates all the hard work you put in.  


I know most people who follow a lot of these philosophies are sane, rational people, but there is that small handful that take it overboard.  Just like religion.  If you don't believe as I do, it's no wonder bad things happen.  That's not how life is at all.  Sometimes, shit just happens.  We can choose to learn from it, or we can dwell.  We don't need to be told that we "attracted" it.  Just because I don't believe in certain things doesn't mean I mean I am less positive, or that I deserve bad things to happen.  It just means I am different.


And anyway, how boring would life be if we all were the same?  I love that we're all so different.  We can have different views and still happily co-exist.  That's a pretty awesome thing right there. Just keep it respectful.


Cheers!
Tara

It's The End Of The World...

With all the talk about the Rapture lately, anyone else find themselves singing, "It's the end of the world as we know it," in their heads on a regular basis?   Is it just me?  Surely I'm not the only neurotic one here.


I was all set for an apocalyptic end in 2012, but then a few months ago, I learned that the end was actually coming on May 21.  It must be true, too, because everybody's talking about it, and there's billboards popping up all over the place.  Truth in advertising, right?


Here it is, only 6 days away, and I haven't made any plans.  I thought I had longer, and the lack of a looming deadline tends to make me procrastinate.  So, what do I do?  Does anyone know what time it's at?  Is there a dress code? Is it family friendly, or do I need to get a babysitter?  Ack! I am sooooooo unprepared for this whole Rapture thing!  
Me and my poor planning.


So, I'm not terribly religious, but I do believe that there is something bigger than us out there.  Some kind of kind, benevolent, whatever watching over us.  My idea of God (for lack of a better word), does not include some angry, vengeful dude.  He's just a cool guy, with infinite wisdom who keeps an eye out, making sure we're okay, but not intervening too much, because we need to make mistakes in order to better ourselves. I don't believe it's the end of the world, and I kind of wonder about people who do.  But, who am I to judge?

Just in case though, maybe I won't make any long-term plans.  I gotta say though, my birthday is on the 24th, and if the world ends before that, I'm going to be mighty po'd.  Is a couple extra days too much to ask?


Cheers,
Tara

  

"Just One Of Those Days"

Morning all.


Been a while, I know, things have been a bit hectic around the old homestead, and I've had precious few ideas for posts. 


So, it would seem things have settled down somewhat, work done in the apartment and the resulting chaos is done for now, Mother's day has been and gone, and today I'm hit with some random overwhelming emotions that I can't quite seem to keep at bay.


I'll try to keep it brief, as I am in the middle of a coffee shop and I'd rather not burst into tears again.  This is a particularly hard time of year for me, with some hard anniversaries, a happy anniversary for me, and my birthday.  It's really no wonder that some emotions will pop up from time to time, but, being the neurotic person I am, I seem to think they should occur on the actual day I expect them to.  This way, I can process them and put them away neatly until next year.


If only it was so easy.  First off, I am overly sensitive, and pick up on the moods of others.  Several people around me have been going through some tough tough times, and I can't stand to see people hurt knowing that there's nothing I can do to fix it.  I'm a "fixer" by nature, and I like to do what I can for people, but sometimes, you just have to stand by and let the person know you're there, and find the right balance of support and respect for distance.


The anniversary of my dad's death was a few days ago, and I actually felt relatively okay for the most part.  I miss him a lot, sure, but nine years have passed, and I've processed most of that stuff, so it's getting easier.  I suspect it will always hurt a little.  


I also tend to get a little morose around mother's day, and I really don't understand it, because David is the best thing that ever happened to me. In fact, one of my happy anniversaries often coincides with mother's day, so you'd think I'd be over the moon, and I am, but still.  May 12, 2005 was the day that David's adoption became final and he was officially mine.  And it fell on Mother's day. Of course, I had no clue until the following week, but it's still a good memory.  It was also right before my 30th birthday, so I'm pretty sure that was the best gift ever.


Anyway, I think the thing about mother's day is that it brings up sadness about my mother's passing, and as much as I love seeing other people celebrate their mothers, I will admit that there is a bit of jealousy there.  I feel a bit guilty about all the things I never did or said, and that towards the end, our relationship maybe wasn't as strong as it could have been.  I had a FANTASTIC day with David though, and nary behaviour issue in sight, so that helped a lot.


Then there's my birthday.  I've always loved birthdays, and I have no issues with the aging process.  In fact, I actually find I am MORE happy with myself as I age.  I'm more trusting of my intuition and less critical of my flaws. We all have 'em.  The only real problem I see is that they seem to be getting closer together, and I'll admit I miss that yearly call where my mom would sing happy birthday to my answering machine.


Next month is the second anniversary of my mom's passing, and that one's still hard.  I'm doing okay, but it's hard.  I'll get through it though.


I think I'm at the end for now, and if you've gotten through this long rambling post, I congratulate you. I actually feel better now. =)


Cheers, 
Tara

Who Wants Soap?

So... want to know a secret about me?  Well, it's not really a secret, people know, but it probably SHOULD be a secret.  Okay, here it is: one of my guilty pleasures is soap operas, particularly the Young and the Restless.  There, I've said it, and I am not ashamed of it.  Well, maybe a little.  


I'm not sure when this love of soap operas started, but I remember that when I was in high school, I used to run home every day to watch Days of Our Lives, which very conveniently started at 3:30 where I lived.  In Canada, for some reason, they show Days and Y&R a day ahead of the States, so if I miss them, I can always watch the US feed the next day.  Gotta love a show that tries to work around YOUR schedule, huh?


Anyway, back to high school.  I watched Days of Our Lives, and marvelled at the fairy tales romances of couples such as Roman and Marlena  (then later John and Marlena) and Bo and Hope.  Those relationships withstood such instense hardships, and they'd be torn apart only to find their way back to each other. You know, now that I think about it, it's no wonder that I have such an unrealistic view of love. 


From DOOL, my passion turned to All My Children, and the much married Erika Kane and all her drama, and then, after a while, to The Young And The Restless, which is the only soap I'll cop to still watching to this day.


What I love about soaps is their incredibly realistic story lines that you just can't find anywhere else.  Remember when Marlena was possessed by the devil and  tried to kill John's girlfriend Kristen by tying her up  in a church and drawing evil symbols on her? Who DOESN'T have that happen to them? Why, just last week I found myself... okay, maybe they're not so realistic.  

These days, the stories are a little less far-fetched (but only a little), but they still have the power to draw me in every day.  It's a form of escapism, and when the world seems out to get me, I can always tune into Y&R and see that these people obviously have it soooooo much worse. ;)


Do you like to watch soap operas? If so, which ones, and why?

Chillin' At The Park

Another sunny day at the park. 

You can always tell when spring comes, because, more often than not, the boy and I can be found at the park after school.  He gets rid of his excess energy by running and jumping and playing, and I amuse myself by sitting on a bench (or on a rock under a tree as is the case today) with a cup of coffee or other such beverage, and either play with my iPod, or take inspiration from the surroundings to create something, whether it be a drawing or a poem, or even a blog post. 

I haven’t always been an outdoorsy person, and I still make no claims to being a nature lover, but I will admit that it’s growing on me.  There’s just something so relaxing about a warm day spent in the sun, watching your child enjoy himself and just being. 

When I was working, by the time I picked the kid up and got home and got him fed, I was so tired that the idea of taking the boy to the park seemed like such an ordeal.  That all changed when I had to leave my job. I had all this time and so we started going to the park. At first, I had to bring stuff to keep myself busy, but after a while I realized how fun it was just to watch him play and enjoy himself.  Who doesn’t enjoy seeing their child happy?  Mom’s happy too, because when the kid burns off all that energy, his mood improves, and he sleeps better.

These days, the boy’s old enough that he plays mostly on his own, unless he wants me to watch something, at which point I drop everything and watch him.  It’s pretty awesome.  Win/win, actually.  Boy gets to play, and mommy gets a break AND quality mommy-boy time. What else could you ask for?

Wacky Times At The Ol' Park...

Hey all...


I thought I'd be different and do something along the lines of a wordless Wednesday kind of post.  Enjoy!

It's so nice to feel the ground beneath my feet again.

My darling boy

Even clowns need to play at the park!

Cheers!

Tara