Monday, May 9, 2011

"Just One Of Those Days"

Morning all.

Been a while, I know, things have been a bit hectic around the old homestead, and I've had precious few ideas for posts. 

So, it would seem things have settled down somewhat, work done in the apartment and the resulting chaos is done for now, Mother's day has been and gone, and today I'm hit with some random overwhelming emotions that I can't quite seem to keep at bay.

I'll try to keep it brief, as I am in the middle of a coffee shop and I'd rather not burst into tears again.  This is a particularly hard time of year for me, with some hard anniversaries, a happy anniversary for me, and my birthday.  It's really no wonder that some emotions will pop up from time to time, but, being the neurotic person I am, I seem to think they should occur on the actual day I expect them to.  This way, I can process them and put them away neatly until next year.

If only it was so easy.  First off, I am overly sensitive, and pick up on the moods of others.  Several people around me have been going through some tough tough times, and I can't stand to see people hurt knowing that there's nothing I can do to fix it.  I'm a "fixer" by nature, and I like to do what I can for people, but sometimes, you just have to stand by and let the person know you're there, and find the right balance of support and respect for distance.

The anniversary of my dad's death was a few days ago, and I actually felt relatively okay for the most part.  I miss him a lot, sure, but nine years have passed, and I've processed most of that stuff, so it's getting easier.  I suspect it will always hurt a little.  

I also tend to get a little morose around mother's day, and I really don't understand it, because David is the best thing that ever happened to me. In fact, one of my happy anniversaries often coincides with mother's day, so you'd think I'd be over the moon, and I am, but still.  May 12, 2005 was the day that David's adoption became final and he was officially mine.  And it fell on Mother's day. Of course, I had no clue until the following week, but it's still a good memory.  It was also right before my 30th birthday, so I'm pretty sure that was the best gift ever.

Anyway, I think the thing about mother's day is that it brings up sadness about my mother's passing, and as much as I love seeing other people celebrate their mothers, I will admit that there is a bit of jealousy there.  I feel a bit guilty about all the things I never did or said, and that towards the end, our relationship maybe wasn't as strong as it could have been.  I had a FANTASTIC day with David though, and nary behaviour issue in sight, so that helped a lot.

Then there's my birthday.  I've always loved birthdays, and I have no issues with the aging process.  In fact, I actually find I am MORE happy with myself as I age.  I'm more trusting of my intuition and less critical of my flaws. We all have 'em.  The only real problem I see is that they seem to be getting closer together, and I'll admit I miss that yearly call where my mom would sing happy birthday to my answering machine.

Next month is the second anniversary of my mom's passing, and that one's still hard.  I'm doing okay, but it's hard.  I'll get through it though.

I think I'm at the end for now, and if you've gotten through this long rambling post, I congratulate you. I actually feel better now. =)


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